soo. i decided to rehash the pst and go through this fucking thing, and jesus christ, i complained about my job too goddamn much. i think that was every other goddamn post. i remember hating it, but i dont remember hating it that much. maybe i'm just repressing the hate and remembering the funny shit? i dont know.

so after being here for over a year, i have to say i have had a good time and made quite a few good friends. the house i first moved into was madness with seven people. we drank a lot of booze and smoked a lot of weed and had a lot of really, really good times. i think it's counted as one of the best years in my life, but unfortunately i probably wont remember most of it a few years from now. sometimes i have trouble remembering things now. but i guess thats what shit does to you when you indulge.

i worked at a shitty job (getting back on the subject i guess) for a few months, then walked out on my lunch and into another shitty job that i still fucking hate and that ive been at for the last year. i hate where im at, but i cant seem to muster up the goddamn motivation to do anything about. i guess most of it has to do with the comfort. i know what im doing already, i know everyone there, im good at what i do (which i dont think is saying much considering where im at). i think the other part of it is i dont think any where else i go is going to be any better. im not going to be happy working at some other stupid job. a job is a job is a job is a job is a job. its all the same goddamn thing no matter what kind of face one tries to put on it. a fucking corporation? im making a bunch of people rich... probably raping the earth and people in third world countries. a mom and pop shop? rather than making a group of people rich, im making a couple, or a few, people money to support themselves while i waste my goddamn time unhappy, who knows, what they sell could also be involved in raping the earth and exploiting people. i just dont want to work FOR someone else. i dont want to get a shitty wage for my time while someone makes a profit. its fucked up. its a shitty waste of life and energy and a shitty fucked up way to have to live my life. non-profit organisation, you say? yeah, ive considered that, and ive tried to look into it. do i want to hand out leaflets? no. do i want to do phone canvasing? no. do i want to directly be involved in something? yes. am i having a hard time finding a place that i feel is supporting something i agree with? yes. am i even sure of what i would be agreeing with? not really. do i feel stuck where im at? yes.

i wanted to voulenteer for the red cross and go down to louisiana and help down there. i talked to a couple people that were doing it. well, i talked to a couple of people that signed up and took the training classes. they hadnt been called out yet. one girl i work with. i dont know if she went yet, i havent seen her in a couple weeks. the other people i met while i was eating breakfast/lunch with sara. of course, i havent seen him since then because he was a random stranger we happened to get into a conversation with. well, the last i heard theyre sending people home now, and i guess theyre not having people go down there anymore, so my desire to help has been nixed.

im bored out of my fucking mind all the goddamn time lately. i dont have shit to do. i mean, what is there to do? lets look at it:

1) sit at home all the time and watch movies and tv shows
2) sit at home all the time doing something moronic on the internet
3) sit at home and listen to all the music i have over and over
4) go to a bar and spend all of my money getting drunk and playing pool
5) wander around the city looking for something to do and end up spending all my money
6) try to find a book to read, start reading it and forget about it because finding a good book is hard and everything that is supposed to be really good, like the classics, or all these acclaimed contemperary books, all lack anything really interesting that i relate to
7) work my ass off with nothing really to show for it
8) numb my brain at work because i dont really do anything other than clean and make coffee drinks, which isnt really doing anything at all
9) hang out with the handful of friends i DO hang out with, which usually ends up consisting of 1 and/or 4

actually, this last weekend i had a good time. friday night mike and i went to a party at brooks' house. it was all right. it wasnt anything spectacular. pete was there. we played a few games of mario kart, which we havent done since we moved out of the old house, we got drunk, mike and i smoked some cigarettes and then we left. saturday night mike's friend was having a party. we went there and had a good time. i talked to some people, but not a whole lot. everyone there pretty much knew each other, and i relly knew only about three other people (people who ive talked to and hung out with on more than say, four occassion). i did meet some old punk guys in a band from san dimas and HB that i later found out is friends with my sister's friends. small world, right? sunday i just laid around all day and that was the end of my weekend.

i feel kind of lonely these days. everyones interests have shifted and i dont really have anyone to talk to about my ideas. theres no real debate or talk like there was. theres not really a center anymore. ive got all these things ive found out about or knew about and explored more thuroughly but no one to discuss it with. ive got interests that no one else is interested in, and its a pretty big bummer.

ive been wanting to travel, but cant afford it. i dont make that much where im working, and ive already given reasons for why i havent gone anywhere else. ive been trying to save money, and ive done an all right job lately. i havent really havent spent it on anything i dont absolutely need. i bought a music box, a few blank tapes and eating out, but only because i dont have food at home. im trying to go to montreal. a lot of the bands i really like are from there, and it just seems to me that theres a lot of creativity going on up there and id like to check out the city, hopefully go to some local shows and get a feel for the city. i think it'd be nifty.

i keep saying im going to go back to school, but so far i havent done anything to get on the ball. i did a while ago, but things didnt go the way i had hoped they would. im not really eligable for anything other than loans and fee waivers. and if i go back to school, i just want to focus on school, i dont want to have to worry about working. but now i guess i'll just have to take the fee waiver and stick it out and do both. its so stupid though, i should be able to go to school without having to work. i mean, we've pretty much all have to go to school to be able to survive in this world, but not all of us are able to do it. people are able to, if they have the money or meet the right requirements, or take out loans, which end up having to be paid of six months after graduation, which by then could add up to a whole lot of money that ends up being a debt and a prison that will take a long time to pay off and parolled. i dont want to be shackled to debt. i owe a few people, and i dont want to have to owe any more. and i sure as shit dont want to have to be stuck doing what ive went to school to do just because i owe money. its a horrible existance, and i dont want it.

so, ive had a good year and have a pretty dismal outlook on things.
hopefully the next time i relate things here i'll be on a path to something better.