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Sunday, December 16th, 2007
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i'm an asshole. and i'm verging on scumbag.
where the fuck did it come from?
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Comments: your two cents.
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it isn't funny the way life works out. people say that it is, but it isn't. life doesn't work out, it just goes. it continues doing what it does, which is keeping going. always changing. what's truly funny is the way way people live their lives and the changes their minds and hearts make. that is, sometimes, unpredictable, sometimes strange, sometimes tragic, sometimes happy, sometimes better. the way my life is working out isn't funny, the way my mind has changed, or given up, is dissapointing.
i've gotten myself a new job. well, relatively new. i've been there for some months now. i'vv been getting paid a lot better than i was at my previous job. i've met some new people, i've been able to go out with friends, have good times, eat when i'm hungry, buy some new clothes when i need them, all the sort of things money can get me. but so what? all i've been doing, really, is getting drunk. a lot.
somehow it no longer bothers me that i'm working for a multi-national corporation. at starbucks i felt like a complete asshole working for one. i hated it and i hated myself for staying there. where has all my anger and disgust gone? why is one okay to work at but the other isn't? maybe it's because i don't have any stories of whole foods fucking people over, like starbucks and local business and people trying to start a local business. maybe because i don't see the real politics of whole foods the way i did with starbucks. i guess my department, in a way, shelters me from all of that. we don't deal with it, we deal only with the customers, not the store managers, or regional, or all the assholes in the highest positions. we cashier and bag groceries.
whatever the reason for my pasiveness, i've stopped caring. i've stopped longing to work at a non-profit organization, or to help, or to contribute. i've stopped keeping up with the news, or discussing issues with people. occassionally i'll discuss something with someone, but i just don't stay informed any more. i've lost all drive to discover and to learn new things, important things. i've focused all my time and learning for music and alcohol. i talk about when i was drunk on such and such night, or this band's new release, or which album i think is better, and generally, i tell these things to people that don't really care, which is also disheartening because i, again, feel alone in my joys and interests.
music has become the most interesting thing going on in my life. instead of an online newspaper i read interviews with bands, websites explaing why so and so hasn't gone on tour for over a year, when the release date for their new album is, readiing message boards to find live shows, or online auido clips of interviews. reading the news became boring. i was reading the same thing over and over, the news articles became repetitive in themselves. informitive news articles became less and less. the guilty people at large were only getting slaps on the wrists, or nothing was being done to stop such behavior. no intervention on the governments part to stop such suffering all over the world, only intervention to continue an economy, to make wealth for the wealthy, only to create more strife and suffering. how can i drown myself in such misery, keep so much anger in myself, and still be happy?
i've come to look at the way the world works as an intersting time to be living in. our government has become and wiretapping, abducting, imprisioning, war-mongering big brother. the men and women of our government are aristocratic, uppercrust socialites. they no longer represent the people or our wishes, they no longer represent the people who truly make up this society, who truly substain the economy, who truly carry the burden of all their decisions on their back. they don't see us for what we really are. what they see us as are demographics and consumers. sheeps to be told who to vote for without asking why, to be fed lies and deceit, swallow it down and ask for more, to told what to buy, to wear, to do, to say, to inform on, to suspect, to associate with. the men and women that make up our government are concerned with one thing: staying in politics. it's a career. they only care for what keeps them in power, not for what is needed to be done, not what would make this city, this county, with region, this state, this country, this world, a wonderful place to live in.
intertwined with the government are the corporations. they are equally dispicable as the goverment. their goal, though, isn't a hidden agenda. corporations are clear in their agenda: money. we all know their driving force is profit, no matter what cost. as we see the government becoming more corrupt and less accountable, we see corporations becoming less accountable and more destructive. corporations destroy land, cause wars, oppress other nations, cause poverty. third-world nations are employed for low labor and material cost, which oppresses and causes poverty because there are no labor laws. all the production waste is emptied into third-world nations. it becomes their problem. meanwhile the corporation drive up prices of comodoties to prices that people who don't really need the products can't even afford, but buy because material possessions have become the way people now feel good about their lives. people have become so jaded that these possessions have become what makes people feel fulfilled with their lives. coporations means and ends are both evil.
also interesting are the people against both government and corporations. the people that care enough to rally and protest, to sign petitions, to sabatoge. they have chosen to fight against these two evils, to make this war this life. they struggle to inform an apathetic public and to gain more believers. i admire this, but ultimately i find it futile. i don't see any form of change coming to business or governemt. the mass public doesn't care. they don't care about oil, conserving natural recourses, deforestation, wars, corrupt politics, because it doesn't impact their day to day lives. they don't see the war, they don't see slave labor, they can't feel their pockets emptying into politician and businessmen's pockets because already so much is taken from their income. i don't think that the time has yet come when the publics' brow has been beaten badly enough to make people stop and question what's truly going on. yes, good things are done by the people that work to stop government and corporations. i may not be informed enough on what is going on, but it feels as though it's just stauling the inevitable.
with these thoughts rolling over in my mind, and the anger i always felt towards what i believe to be wrong, and the discouragement of anything being done, i've gone to the art of music for some sort of solice. i've given up being angry, and bitter every waking moment of my life to feel the bliss of a beautiful creation made of noise. i suppose that's why i spend my time seeking out new bands and keeping up to date with ones i alreay know of. i'm tired of the same old news story of death, malice, corruption, bribery, war, poverty, poor decisions based on greed. i want to feel the joy of music, the expression of feelings, to continue searching for new bands that make me feel this way. i'm tired of stressing out over things i can't change. i'm tired of anger. so maybe the way my mind has changed and progessed in't so dissapointing, or funny, or tragic, or happy, or strange. it just is, just like life.
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Comments: 1 cents - your two cents.
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Monday, October 3rd, 2005
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so i AM on my way to doing something to make my life a little more the way i want it to be going.
i got hired at wholefoods. the guy who hired me said it wont be aby easier than where im at now. that its a really busy store, that IF i do get frustrated or angry i cant just walk off the floor like i can where i am/was at. that its really, really busy during the holidays and i wont be able to go on any vacations until after january. a couple things that kind of seem to be a bummer, BUT the upside is they get bonuses, i get a discount, i get to work with and learn about organic and healthy foods, i'll have to go in early probably once a week, which isnt bad, ill most likely be bumped up to full time, which im trusting will happen, not to toot my own horn, because im a really good worker (and i do have people to back that up), i start off at $10/hr which isnt bad at all, it'll only be a buck less than im making now, including tips, and i think he said something about raises, but i actually kind of stopped listening to what he said and started thinking about things for a minute or two (ha!). im pretty stoked though. i would be nice to work some place that's slow and mellow, but i mean, its a hell of a lot better than what i've been doing. and i feel confident enough to say that without having worked a day at wholefoods yet. hopefully i'll be happier than i have been. and at least i can tell people where i work when they ask and not feel like a jerk saying it.
id like to find a place to volunteer my time at now.
baby steps...
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Comments: 2 centss - your two cents.
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Monday, September 19th, 2005
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soo. i decided to rehash the pst and go through this fucking thing, and jesus christ, i complained about my job too goddamn much. i think that was every other goddamn post. i remember hating it, but i dont remember hating it that much. maybe i'm just repressing the hate and remembering the funny shit? i dont know.
so after being here for over a year, i have to say i have had a good time and made quite a few good friends. the house i first moved into was madness with seven people. we drank a lot of booze and smoked a lot of weed and had a lot of really, really good times. i think it's counted as one of the best years in my life, but unfortunately i probably wont remember most of it a few years from now. sometimes i have trouble remembering things now. but i guess thats what shit does to you when you indulge.
i worked at a shitty job (getting back on the subject i guess) for a few months, then walked out on my lunch and into another shitty job that i still fucking hate and that ive been at for the last year. i hate where im at, but i cant seem to muster up the goddamn motivation to do anything about. i guess most of it has to do with the comfort. i know what im doing already, i know everyone there, im good at what i do (which i dont think is saying much considering where im at). i think the other part of it is i dont think any where else i go is going to be any better. im not going to be happy working at some other stupid job. a job is a job is a job is a job is a job. its all the same goddamn thing no matter what kind of face one tries to put on it. a fucking corporation? im making a bunch of people rich... probably raping the earth and people in third world countries. a mom and pop shop? rather than making a group of people rich, im making a couple, or a few, people money to support themselves while i waste my goddamn time unhappy, who knows, what they sell could also be involved in raping the earth and exploiting people. i just dont want to work FOR someone else. i dont want to get a shitty wage for my time while someone makes a profit. its fucked up. its a shitty waste of life and energy and a shitty fucked up way to have to live my life. non-profit organisation, you say? yeah, ive considered that, and ive tried to look into it. do i want to hand out leaflets? no. do i want to do phone canvasing? no. do i want to directly be involved in something? yes. am i having a hard time finding a place that i feel is supporting something i agree with? yes. am i even sure of what i would be agreeing with? not really. do i feel stuck where im at? yes.
i wanted to voulenteer for the red cross and go down to louisiana and help down there. i talked to a couple people that were doing it. well, i talked to a couple of people that signed up and took the training classes. they hadnt been called out yet. one girl i work with. i dont know if she went yet, i havent seen her in a couple weeks. the other people i met while i was eating breakfast/lunch with sara. of course, i havent seen him since then because he was a random stranger we happened to get into a conversation with. well, the last i heard theyre sending people home now, and i guess theyre not having people go down there anymore, so my desire to help has been nixed.
im bored out of my fucking mind all the goddamn time lately. i dont have shit to do. i mean, what is there to do? lets look at it:
1) sit at home all the time and watch movies and tv shows
2) sit at home all the time doing something moronic on the internet
3) sit at home and listen to all the music i have over and over
4) go to a bar and spend all of my money getting drunk and playing pool
5) wander around the city looking for something to do and end up spending all my money
6) try to find a book to read, start reading it and forget about it because finding a good book is hard and everything that is supposed to be really good, like the classics, or all these acclaimed contemperary books, all lack anything really interesting that i relate to
7) work my ass off with nothing really to show for it
8) numb my brain at work because i dont really do anything other than clean and make coffee drinks, which isnt really doing anything at all
9) hang out with the handful of friends i DO hang out with, which usually ends up consisting of 1 and/or 4
actually, this last weekend i had a good time. friday night mike and i went to a party at brooks' house. it was all right. it wasnt anything spectacular. pete was there. we played a few games of mario kart, which we havent done since we moved out of the old house, we got drunk, mike and i smoked some cigarettes and then we left. saturday night mike's friend was having a party. we went there and had a good time. i talked to some people, but not a whole lot. everyone there pretty much knew each other, and i relly knew only about three other people (people who ive talked to and hung out with on more than say, four occassion). i did meet some old punk guys in a band from san dimas and HB that i later found out is friends with my sister's friends. small world, right? sunday i just laid around all day and that was the end of my weekend.
i feel kind of lonely these days. everyones interests have shifted and i dont really have anyone to talk to about my ideas. theres no real debate or talk like there was. theres not really a center anymore. ive got all these things ive found out about or knew about and explored more thuroughly but no one to discuss it with. ive got interests that no one else is interested in, and its a pretty big bummer.
ive been wanting to travel, but cant afford it. i dont make that much where im working, and ive already given reasons for why i havent gone anywhere else. ive been trying to save money, and ive done an all right job lately. i havent really havent spent it on anything i dont absolutely need. i bought a music box, a few blank tapes and eating out, but only because i dont have food at home. im trying to go to montreal. a lot of the bands i really like are from there, and it just seems to me that theres a lot of creativity going on up there and id like to check out the city, hopefully go to some local shows and get a feel for the city. i think it'd be nifty.
i keep saying im going to go back to school, but so far i havent done anything to get on the ball. i did a while ago, but things didnt go the way i had hoped they would. im not really eligable for anything other than loans and fee waivers. and if i go back to school, i just want to focus on school, i dont want to have to worry about working. but now i guess i'll just have to take the fee waiver and stick it out and do both. its so stupid though, i should be able to go to school without having to work. i mean, we've pretty much all have to go to school to be able to survive in this world, but not all of us are able to do it. people are able to, if they have the money or meet the right requirements, or take out loans, which end up having to be paid of six months after graduation, which by then could add up to a whole lot of money that ends up being a debt and a prison that will take a long time to pay off and parolled. i dont want to be shackled to debt. i owe a few people, and i dont want to have to owe any more. and i sure as shit dont want to have to be stuck doing what ive went to school to do just because i owe money. its a horrible existance, and i dont want it.
so, ive had a good year and have a pretty dismal outlook on things.
hopefully the next time i relate things here i'll be on a path to something better.
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Comments: 2 centss - your two cents.
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Saturday, July 17th, 2004
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ahhhh. san francisco.
my life so far consists of working, sleeping, being broke and occasional beer pong.
i swear, im working all the time and i never have money. i have 5 bucks to last until thursday when i get paid, and then i have to send 100 to my cell phone company, give like 60 or 70 for utilities. and ill have to pitch in for groceries again, plus pay back for the last time. and then rent will be due.
im about ready to move back to socal.
im not having fun here yet.
ive got no friends to hang out with and i have no idea where anything is at, or whats here. i just sit in my room and download music. ive got my room mates n shit, but no one that shares very many similar intrests.
i still hate my job, and as much as i complained about starbucks, id rather work there, but i dont because i dont know if id get as many hours a week as i need to keep up with rent, utilities and food. this job is more draining that starbucks could ever be.
the only plus is ive made out with three bitches since ive been here. haha
though i felt like a scumbag after making out with one, and an asshole for not calling another back.
im ready to move back home to socal. san franciscos got nothing on covina.
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Thursday, June 24th, 2004
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fuck bitches: ive got a job, money and a bed.
AND A ROOM.
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im in san francisco and ive been here for a week.
nothing has changed.
nothing is new.
nothing is happening.
nothing ever changes
the scenery does sometimes, but not much else.
live moves on around me and im just sitting there watching it
and i dont really care.
----
i cant find a job and im running out of money
ive bought booze and cigarettes
and a couple shirts to try to find a job
and so far i havent found anything,
ive only wasted my money
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Wednesday, April 28th, 2004
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| Time: | 10:37 am. |
| Mood: | blank. | | Music: | samiam - sunshine. |
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im leaving sometime next week. i still need to decide if im going to take a bus or a train or just rent a small u-haul truck even though all im going to bring right now it my cimputer, radio and clothes.
im wondering if its a good idea to check my computer and monitor as luggage on a train. i dont know. i wish someone could just drive me though, thatd be a lot easier.
im a little bummed about leaving though. and a little bummed about dropping my english class. actually, im really bummed, but i think im going to have fun. and if i dont have fun, ill come back, i suppose.
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Tuesday, April 20th, 2004
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so im moving to san francisco in about two weeks.
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Wednesday, April 14th, 2004
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federal income taxes due: $75
incident files reported: none
years my liscense is susupended: one
...i gotta get the fuck outta dodge.
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Thursday, April 8th, 2004
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| Time: | 12:22 pm. |
| Mood: | meh. | | Music: | onelinedrawing. |
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VEGAS BABY VEGAS!
...again.
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Thursday, April 1st, 2004
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| Time: | 12:40 pm. |
| Mood: | blank. | | Music: | capn jazz - oh messy life. |
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so im thinking about moving to san francisco. im not certain if im just unsure about doing it, or if i really dont want to do it. i think itd be awesome to get away for a while, to just be somewhere else.
i think my uncertain is due to all the questions:
will i be able to make rent every month?
will i like any of the people i live with?
can i transfer to a starbucks up there?
if so, am i going to be paid minimum wage?
will my wage increase due to the different minimum wages?
if so, will i be paid only the minimum?
i dont know.
i need to talk to my mamnager about all of this.
i also need to talk to jen and get ALL the info.
ill probably sell my car if i do go.
would i be going for the right reasons?
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Wednesday, March 24th, 2004
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FUCKIN A I FINALLY GOT A TYPE WRITER AND AFTER USING IT FOR A LITTLE BIT TYPING ON THE COMPUTER IS SHITTY THOUGH WHEN I MESS UP ITS EASIER TO FIX THE PROBLEM. I GOT IT AT A SALVATION ARMY FOR TEN BUCKS. IT WAS ORIGINALLY 14.50 BUT THE WOMAN, FOR SOME REASON, OFFERED IT TO ME FOR TEN. SO WHAT THE FUCK.
KRYSTAL AND I FOUND SOME SWEET ASS CHAIRS TO PUT OUT ON TEH PATIO. THAT SHIT WILL BE SWEET, TOO BAD THE PAIR COSTS EIGHTY BUCKS. WERE GOING TO GO BACK LATER AND HAGGLE OVER THE PRICE. WHY ARE THERE ONLY TWO THRIFT STORES IN HB? IF THERE ARE MORE, WHY CANT WE FIND THEM? COVINA IS THE SHIT WHEN IT COMES TO THRIFT STORES, BETWEEN AZUSA AND COVINA, THERES LIKE SIX OR SEVEN.
KRYSTAL AND I SKIPPED SCHOOL TODAY, BY THE WAY. I DIDNT FEEL LIKE GOING, NOR DID SHE, SO WE DIDNT. FUCK IT. PHILOSOPHY STARTS ON THE SIXTH, THAT SHOULD BE FUN.
I THINK IM GOING TO START TYPING ALL MY ESSAYS ON MY TYPEWRITER, AND QUITE POSSIBLY START WRITING LETTERS TO PEOPLE. FUCK THIS THING IS AWESOME.
I TOOK CARE OF MY HEADLIGHT TICKET, AND EVERYONE LIKES TO GIVE ME SHIT FOR SOME REASON NO MATER HOW POLITE I AM TO THEM. I SHOULD START BEING AN ASSHOLE TO EVERYONE. FUCK 'EM.
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Saturday, March 20th, 2004
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WELL I FUCKING MISSED XDISCIPLEX AD'S LAST SHOW, BUT I GOT DRUNK AND MARGARITAS AT DON JOSE'S AND THEN WENT TO WORK AT 430AM, SO I GUESS ITS ABOUT EVEN.
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ALL RIGHT IM BACK HOME AND THIS SHIT SUCKS. IVE BEEN HOME FOR LIKE TWO HOURS AND I WISH I WAS BACK UP THERE. I THINK I SHOULD MOVE THERE.
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Thursday, March 11th, 2004
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IM GOING TO SAN FRANCISCO ON THURSDAY AND YOURE ALL FUCKERS THAT EAT SHIT BECAUSE IM FINALLY USING MY VACATION TIME FOR A REASON OTHER THAN WASTING IT BECAUSE I GAVE UP SHIFTS I REALLY COULDNT AFFORD TO GIVE UP ANYWAY IM STOKED TO GO TO SAN FRANCISCO BECAUSE THE LAST TIME I WENT I WAS ONLY THERE FOR LIKE 7 HOURS BUT THIS TIME IM GONNA BE UP THERE FOR ABOUT 4 DAYS.
SCHOOL:
I TURNED IN AN ESSAY I WORKED ON WHILE I WAS DRUNK AND I THINK I STOPPED WRITING SENTENCES IN THE MIDDLE AND STARTED NEW ONES OUT OF NO WHERE, SO I THINK IM GOING TO GET A PRETTY BAND GRADE ON THAT SHIT.I SHOULDNT DO THAT ANYMORE. I DONT THINK I WILL. AND MAYBE ILL ALSO TAKE MORE TIME TO WRITE THE ENTIRE THING OUT AND NOT WAIT UNTIL THE NIGHT BEFORE ITS DUE TO FINISH IT UP, AND I DO THAT I WONT DO IT DRUNK. OR MAYBE NEXT TIME THE ESSAY WONT BE STUPID SO I WONT HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL THE NIGHT BEFORE TO FINISH IT BECAUSE ILL ALREADY WANT TO DO IT BECAUSE IT DOESNT SUCK.
LETS SEE WHAT ELSE CAN I BABBLE ABOUT...
I STILL HAVENT FOUND SPEAKERS FOR MY RADIO
OR A FUCKING RECORD PLAYER
MY DAD GOT ME A 40 GIG HARD DRIVE THAT IM GOING TO PUT IN MY COMPUTER SO I DONT HAVE TO BURN ALL MY MP3S ONTO CDS BECAUSE I FILLED MY ENTIRE 12 GIG HARD DRIVE WITH MP3S SO THAT ALMOST ALL THE TIME EVERY TIME I USE MY COMPUTER I GET A MESSAGE THAT SAYS MY RECOURSES ARE BEING USED AND SOME OTHER BULLSHIT, EITHER I NEED MORE ROOM OR I NEED MORE MEMORY BUT I DONT REALLY KNOW THAT MUCH SHIT ABOUT THAT COMPUTER SHIT ADN I DONT REALLY CARE TO EITHER SO WHATEVER
SCHOOL IS OK I HAVE TO READ A LOT OF ESSAYS BUT THEY DONT ALL SUCK AND I THINK IM DEVELOPING SOME ALL RIGHT WRITING SKILLS BUT OF COURSE IM NOT SHOWING IT RIGHT NOW BECAUSE I DONT HAVE TO AND I DONT REALLY CARE TO MY PHILOSOPHY CLASS STARTS IN APRIL IM PRETTY STOKED ABOUT THAT TOO THINKING FOR TWO HOURS A DAY WILL BE SWEET AND MAYBE ILL LEARN SOMETHING ABOUT THINKING THAT I DIDNT ALREADY KNOW GEE GOLLY SCHOOL IS GREAT BUT WHATEVER ITS NOT LIKE I DONT WANT TO TAKE THE CLASS BECAUSE ID DROP IT IF I DIDNT BUT WELL JUST HAVE TO SEE HOW IT ALL WORKS OUT THOUGH I THINK IM GOING TO START REALLY HATING WORK BECAUSE I KNOW IM GONNA GET FUCKED OVER WITH MY SHIFTS IM GONNA GET A BUNCH OF REALLY SHITTY SHIFTS THAT ARE REALLY SHITTY AND THAT I DONT WANT TO WORK AND IM PROBABLY NOT GOING TO HAVE ANY DAYS OFF DURING THE WEEKEND MUCH LIKE NOW BECAUSE THEY SEEM TO THINK THAT BEING ABLE TO WORK FROM 1 TO 8 MEANS I CANT WORK AT ALL ON MONDAY AND WEDNESDAY SO FUCKTHOSE ASSHOLES FOR GIVING ME SUCH A SHITTY SHIFT AND HIRING SHITTY PEOPLE THAT I DONT WANT TO WORK WITH SO IT MAKES MY SHIFTS FUCKING LAME BECAUSE THOSE ASSHOLES ARE LAME AND OLDBALLS BUT ENOUGH ABOUT THAT SHIT BECAUSE ITS JUST BRINGING ME DOWN
I GUESS THATS ABOUT ALL I HAVE TO BABBLE ABOUT
WELL MAYBE I SHOULD HAVE MORE MUSIC TO DOWNLOAD BUT I CANT FUCKING THINK OF ANYTHING WORK DOWNLOADING SO IM STUCK LISTENING TO THE SAME SHIT OVER AND OVER AND OVER
AND ON THAT NOTE
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Wednesday, February 25th, 2004
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| Time: | 6:34 pm. |
| Mood: | meh. | | Music: | yaphet kotto - status symbol. |
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ladies and gentlemen,
i finally got a cell phone.
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Monday, February 23rd, 2004
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i turned in my essay today. i have a feeling im not going to get too good a grade on it. we have another one due in two weeks. this time is supposed to be double exposures. im just going to be glad when this class is over and i can take a creative writing class. thatll be sweet.
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josefstalin's journal